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As parents of babies who have miscarried, we may have to ask our family and friends for the support we need. As very few of us even looked pregnant, the loss is invisible unless we talk about it. Often our very silence perpetuates the myth that miscarriage is not a traumatic event requiring support.
Sometimes we are so immersed in our own grief we forget about that of others, which is just as legitimate. However they will probably recover fairly quickly and may be surprised we do not do the same.
Support may be withdrawn for other reasons. People may not understand our feelings of grief after relatively short pregnancies, when we already have other children or in the case of recurrent miscarriages where they may assume because we've been there before, we don't need help this time. The truth is that it gets harder each time, not easier, and more support is needed, not less.
"I couldn't believe that my best friend, who I shared everything with, just wouldn't talk about my loss. I felt that if she didn't care, who else would? I still don't understand but eventually forgave her anyway, so that we could enjoy the other aspects of our friendship. (She doesn't even know I've had to do this.) I have since discovered, life is about having different friends for different reasons and I now have some that really understand grief." Wendy
Grandmothers
Grandmothers are often the ones that feel they need to suppress their emotions at this time to be able to offer their support, especially if it is their own daughter who has suffered the loss.
Their grief can be for the pain their child is experiencing as well as their own. The anticipation of the familiar, simple joy of holding a baby again and watching it grow has gone for now and, even if they had experienced miscarriage themselves, it will still be a shock to them. If they have not had much cause for grief in their life, they may not realise what is happening initially. Others, who may not have been particularly looking forward to having grandchildren, could find themselves unexpectedly sad. Our grief section can apply to anyone and they may find some solace there in our suggestions.
As many young couples delay pregnancy for travel, careers or other reasons, Grandmothers could have wondered if a grand-child would be born before they die, so time can be against them. Perhaps their children's/daughter-in-law's inability to conceive, virtually an oddity in their day, had been a factor, adding to the stress over the loss, especially if the baby was conceived from the IVF process.
For some, it may be the first grand-child, others may have had girls only and were secretly wishing to have a grandson to create a sense of fulfilment, either for themselves or their husbands. Seeing the family line continue can be really important and this, of course, will include grandfathers. They can be just as stressed as their partners, witnessing their child's or daughter-in-law's grief and perhaps their son's own hidden male grief or their own.
If the grandmother had miscarried herself, although the pain from that grief would have lost its edge over the years, memories tend to become sharp again, even if only temporarily, and add to the current stressful situation. Miscarriage was often, and still can be, not talked about openly by some families. Many women may have brushed off their grief at the time of their own miscarriage, but see their experience differently in today's world and have difficulty dealing with it now, compounding their grief.
Even when they did grieve, this may not have been done in a healthy way, as miscarriage was usually seen as a "minor medical emergency', requiring "a stiff upper lip' and worse, a self-abortion stigma could have been associated with admitting to having had a miscarriage, and women were often seen as being at fault, anyway, leading to thoughts of shame.
The guilt associated with miscarriage was not helped by this attitude and women were left feeling they were to blame and their grief went unrecognised. Many women suppressed their feelings for whatever reason and a new miscarriage in the family can bring them to the surface again. We have had calls from several on our Supportline telling us this has happened. Miscarriage was certainly minimised and often invalidated (and still can be today), so a grandmother may be coping with the feeling that this is happening again.
It may help all concerned if the grandmother was to suggest a small ceremony or some other mark of recognition of the loss felt by the family, even if it's weeks or months down the track, where she will feel comfortable about releasing her own feelings and others will be able to see how much she is affected and realise that they should not overlook her grief.
Grandmothers can be very empowering, and if they miscarried themselves, are really valuable as confirmation of hope that most women do go on to have other children. Never underestimate the effect a mother's words can have.
Strong feelings about sex, pregnancy and birth are inherent in all of us as it is a basic function of human beings to reproduce, so why wouldn't we grieve at our losses, our own or that of our children's? It is a natural part of living and no shame or embarrassment should be attached to how we feel. We are grieving.
"As a young woman I lost two babies through miscarriage and I remember the ache and desperate need to have my own baby. I eventually did and that baby is now a beautiful young woman and I have once again felt the sting of miscarriage as two of my grandchildren slipped away before we got the chance to say hello. It hurts so bad I felt her pain, I'd been there before. Now we have another chance. It's early still but we wait and hope. Baby has a heart beat and Grandma is knitting again." Colleen.
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