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Facing it Together
Women don't die of miscarriage but they do need your practical help and emotional support. Even capable women are often in such shock, both emotionally and physically, that they may need you to make decisions in an area that is normally their domain. Clear communication between the two of you is essential at this time, to check that she is comfortable with your decisions.
Perhaps men don't acknowledge what has happened because they are afraid it will really hurt too much. Emotionally, we are not equipped to deal with it. Men don't easily deal with their sadness and pain. We believe, being brave up front will give our wife/partner strength, when really what they need is our compassion and empathy." Mark
Your Needs
"The issues which most upset me were firstly not knowing what was going to happen to Yasmin physically at the hospital, and then not being prepared for the emotional effect it had on her, and me too, actually." Mark
Other men have shared with us that they found their needs often revolved around their partners. Like them you may find yourself dealing with:
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Feelings of confusion and involvement yet powerlessness.
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With attention focused on your partner, your equally valid feelings are often overlooked, leaving you to deal with them alone.
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Focusing on her needs and not being able to think about losing the baby and what it means to you.
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Dealing with your own grief.
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Anxiety about admitting your own worries in case they add to her fears. Being strong and brave prevents you from releasing your pain.
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Guilt about feelings of relief if you hadn't wanted the baby.
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Guilt about having sex just prior to the miscarriage. (This would not make any difference to a viable pregnancy otherwise there would be many more miscarriages.)
Meeting Her Needs
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Accept her moods non-judgmentally whatever they may be.
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She wants to know how you feel about losing the baby.
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Resist the temptation to reassure her that everything will be all right when the outcome is still uncertain.
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Most women will be worried and not their usual self. Your job is to support her by being there and listening.
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Don't change the subject when she wants to talk.
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Just love her through this time, she will always remember it.
Differences
Often men say they want to put the ordeal behind them. If you and your partner deny yourselves the chance to grieve, the pain will not go away. It is commonly accepted that men find it harder than women to share their emotions. If you have been brought up with 'big boys don't cry', how can you change? The starting point must be talking honestly about your feelings. It is essential to plan time together to do this.
Because women and men bond differently to their expected child, they grieve differently. You may become impatient if you feel ready to move on when she still needs support. It is not uncommon for women to take up to six months after a miscarriage for healthy grieving to be completed.
We cannot stress strongly enough that the support you give your partner now will always be appreciated. Sadly, a lack of it during a miscarriage can cause long-term relationship friction and even breakdown.
"I was at a party and was asked by a group of guys how many children I had. I answered 'seven, but only one living' and before I knew it I was having an intense emotional discussion with three men whose partners had recently miscarried. I was surprised at the depth of emotion and loss that they felt as my first partner had never been 'there' for me." Tania.
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